The Doubts in the Doctor
by Arisia
Summary: Bones and Booth have a late night conversation after their first time together


I feel so stupid. I worked on this story for several hours last night and had it finished around 5:30 in the morning. (I work 3rd shift so 5:30 is like middle of the day for me) Well, I had 2 copies. One I had written an overview and added a few things I really wanted to add. The second was the finished, polished-til-it-shines version to be posted. Guess what? I posted the wrong one. (Still I got some nice reviews. Thanks!) So, since I made this error, I went over what I had ready to post and polished it some more.

Seeley Booth woke to an empty bed. For the most part, this was normal. Tonight, it was cause for alarm. When he had fallen asleep, he had his arms wrapped around his new lover. The woman he had dreamed about, fanatsized about for years. Now, the opposite side of his bed was empty and cold.

He glanced around the room, hoping for a note or anything that would let him know she had really been here. '_Please, God, don't let this be another dream.'_ His eyes fell to the foot of his bed where he spotted an article of clothing hung on the bedpost that his prim and proper Bones wouldn't have dared leave without.

Pulling on a pair of sweat pants that had been tossed on the back of a chair, he walked out into the living room. the sight before him broke his heart a little.

"Hey." he said in a soft voice, not wanting to startle her.

Curled into the corner of the sofa, wearing one of his pajama tops, Dr. Temperance Brennan turned to face him, tears streaming down her cheeks. She gave him a weak smile and quickly turned away. Reaching up to wipe the tears away, she felt him sit behind her on the arm of his sofa.

He wanted to wrap her in his arms and make it all better, but until he knew what that was, he couldn't do anything. "What's wrong, Bones?" he asked softly.

She shook her head. "Nothing."

"Did I hurt you?"

Another shake of the head.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Another head shake.

"Bones, talk to me. Why are you crying? You know I really hate it when you cry."

She scooted over and patted the seat beside her. Booth lowered himself to the empty spot and was surprised when Brennan leaned against him and rested her head against his bare chest. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her as close to him as he could, but giving her the freedom to move away if she needed it.

"Talk to me, Baby." Booth encouraged.

" 'Baby'?" Brennan asked in a tear-thickened voice.

"Sorry. Talk to me, _Bones." _He repeated, stressing his nickname for her.

"It's stupid." Brennan said.

"If you are sad or upset, whatever you're feeling, it's not stupid." he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. In fact, I don't think I have ever been happier in my life."

Dealing with Bones was never easy.

"Um, then why do you seem upset?"

"I told you, it's stupid. And it really shouldn't matter, but it does." Brennan said as she burrowed in closer to Booth.

"Whatever it is, it's obviously important enough to.."

"After we made love, after you fell asleep, I started thinking. I had an epiphany." She wasn't sure how to continue. She decided to be as direct as possible. "Booth, you are the most wonderful lover I have ever had." Brennan said in a rush. "You were so tender...so loving. The way you held me close and talked to me. The way your hands stroked my body. The look in your eyes when I touched you. It was all amazing.

"You made me feel things." Her small hand rested just above her breasts. "Every kiss, every caress meant something. And when you entered me, the look, the emotions in your eyes almost overwhelmed me."

She stopped, taking a shuddering breath.

"Bones," Booth started, not really knowing what to say, but he felt that if he didn't say something, she wouldn't continue. "What did you feel?"

For the first time since he'd sat beside her, she turned to face him. "I don't do feelings well, you know that. I usually don't understand them."

Booth nodded, "I know, just talk to me, work it out in your head."

"I already know how I felt...how I feel. I'm just having a hard time putting it into words." Another pause as she seemed to gathered her thoughts.

"As I said before, you are the most incredible lover I have ever had. Over the last ten years or so, I have had a lot of lovers. But none of them made me feel the way you do."

"How do I make you feel?" Booth asked.

A small sob escaped her lips. "Special. Cherished. Wanted. Cared for..." she said something too low for him to hear.

"What was that, Bones?"

She squeezed her eyes shut before repeating herself. "Loved. You make me feel loved."

She felt him shift and was terrified that he was getting up to leave her. She lowered her head. He didn't love her, not like that. How dare she be so presumptive? The tears began welling up in her eyes once more.

"Bones, I just wanted this night, our first night together, to be something special. I wanted, no I needed to it to be something that would make you want to be with me again. After our little romp on the couch, I needed to take my time with you, not rush one minute of our first time together. Everything had to be perfect. And don't tell me there is no such thing as perfect, because you in my arms, looking at me the way you did, well, that was the most perfect thing I have ever experienced in my life. Feeling you moving under me, holding me as we moved together, that was perfect."

As the first tear fell, she felt his hands cup her face. "And you are all those things, you know."

"I'm what things?" she whispered.

"Special, cherished, wanted, cared for, and most of all, you are loved." Booth caressed her face tenderly. "I love you. I think I might have even said it a couple of times last night." Booth was slightly hurt. Hadn't she believed him?

"I wasn't sure. I mean, I've been told that before, but it always seemed a 'heat of passion' thing. I know none of them meant it when they were getting dressed and leaving. It was all about the sex for them. With you, it was so much more than that.

"Another thing I realized is that you are the first man I've been with who actually cared about me. After what happened, our 'romp on the couch' as you put it, if I had said that was enough and I was going home, that would have been that. You might have been upset with me, but you wouldn't have pressured me for more."

Booth nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I would have had to take a very long very cold shower, but Bones, I would never ask for something you weren't ready to give." In fact, after their encounter on his couch, he had expected her to bolt.

They sat in silence for a few moments, giving him time to think about what she'd been saying. Suddenly a sickening thought occurred to him. "Bones, if I ask you a very personal question, will you be honest with me?"

"Um, I think I have been more honest with you tonight than I have ever been with anyone in my life."

"I need to know something, and I need the truth. It won't change how I feel about you, I just need to know."

His tone made her nervous. She simply nodded.

"Has anyone...I mean, have you ever... this isn't coming out right."

"Just say it, Booth. Don't worry about the right words."

"Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Has anyone ever hurt you?"

Brennan could feel the tension coming off of him in waves, waiting for her answer. It wasn't a simple yes or no. Honesty, she reminded herself.

"Well, in retrospect, there have been a couple of men who were rougher or more demanding than I would have liked. Some that wanted things I wasn't comfortable with." His tension didn't abate.

"I have had lovers who, I suppose, were in it for the release, just like I was. Most didn't care whether or not I climaxed, except to prove what great lovers they were."

He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to gain some sort of control. "Bones, know this. I will never, ever, hurt you. If I get too rough or ask for something you don't want, tell me. I only want what you want to give me."

She tried to hide the fresh tears that filled her eyes. "You've talked about crappy sex verses making love and I really never knew what you were talking about. I had no frame of reference. Sex was just sex to me. It was all pretty much the same. Some encounters were better than others, but it was just a means to a much needed physical release. But, with you it was different. It wasn't just the physical part, which was wonderful, but the.." she paused for a moment, knowing she was going to contradict everything she'd ever said about love and romance. "Making love with you was mostly about the connection, the emotional connection we have. We care about each other in other aspects of our lives, so it made what we have more, I don't know, intimate. I think that's what made it different. That's the difference between crappy sex and making love, right?"

Booth nodded as he pulled into his arms. "That is exactly the difference, Bones."

"Booth, you know what that means?" She didn't wait for his response. "You are the first man who's ever made love to me."

Booth pressed his forehead to hers and whispered. "I love you, Bones."

He felt her sharp intake of breath, then she answered, "I love you, too, Booth. I think I have for a long time. I just needed to..." remembering something that Angela had said to her a few months ago, it seemed to fit. "I needed to catch up to my own reality."

Deciding there was something better to do than talk when he had this beautiful woman so close, he pressed his lips to hers. The sounds she made aroused him. He was making her make those sounds. No matter how evolved he liked to think he was, he was still a man. And a man like to hear his woman purr under his touch.

She pressed against his chest, pushing him away as she sat up. "Booth, there's something else I need to tell you."

Booth cocked his head to the side and gave her what she had dubbed his playful smile, "What would that be, Bones?"

She lowered her head and looked up at him through her lashes, "I kind of liked it when you called me 'baby'."


End file.
